You know, when I left college, people asked me if I would miss the friendships. I said, yeah! Of course! I made so many amazing friends at college. And yet, now, I’ve been in South Korea for 5 months, and I’ve practically lost touch with all of them. What does it mean? Were those friendships really that hollow? People say you can only really have a few close friends. I tend to think that’s generally true, mainly cuz we only have so much free time on our hands. But also, it’s just tough living a double life.
I’ve got to live my life in Korea, with my friends here. But then I also have to keep friendships maintained on the other side of the world as well. And right now, I feel like if I don’t maintain them, they’ll vanish. It’s kind of scary, but I’ve realized that the facebook messages and emails have been dwindling and now I really don’t see any from friends now. I don’t really know what that means. I still maintain hope in my friendships from Philly, just cuz most of those guys are like brothers to me, and I’ve known them like my whole life.
But my friends from college I worry about. I mean, I made some tight tight friends there. Some friends I were sure would be life friends. But maybe college was just too ideal of a place. It was easy to make great friends because you were in a setting that allowed it. You didn’t have to drive to see anyone. Everyone either lived with you or right across the hall from you. You ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with all of your friends, and you partied with them on the weekends. It was a friendship paradise in that sense. But did anyone else notice that during the summers, that all of the contact just stopped. During summer vacation I didn’t talk to people from school much at all. Then I went back to school and everything picked up where it left off.
The minute that those college friendships left the context of “college friendship paradise,” they fell apart. So it’s no wonder that now that we’ve all gone our separate ways, the friendships would not stay. If I wouldn’t drive 10 minutes to see friends that lived off campus, why would we call each other when I’m on the other side of the world.
I write this not because I’m angry, or necessarily even sad. I’m not blaming anyone, or feeling betrayed by anyone. It’s just the way things go, but I guess I’m surprised that it’s been this abrupt. I thought maybe I would fall out of contact after a couple years, not a couple of months.
To prove my point, I wonder how many, if any Geneva people even read this blog.
Relationships are complicated…
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3 comments:
Hey hey Mark!
Let me do a quick tabulation... k... of all the Geneva friends I had (I felt like I had TONS while there) I call about 3 regularly (once every 2-3 weeks), a few others once every couple of months, and... that's it :-). Barker got engaged - I was his roommate for 2 choir tours and his floormate for at least a year - I found out through a mutual friend.
It was abrupt for me too. I managed to stay in touch somewhat well for the first 5 months, then after that it just kind of... stopped.
And what did I expect? When I never lifted a finger to call people while at school, what makes me think I'd do it now? When I never had to do ANY work to have a friendship with them, what makes me think I'd start doing the work after graduation (or that they would do it).
You're absolutely right - friendships are complicated. You have so much history with your Philly friends that I'd be surprised if you ever completely lost touch with them. Geneva friends are another story. Convenient friends flit away when it all the sudden takes work to maintain the relationship.
Plus, even if you did call all of them - what would you talk about? It's not like you have a ton of shared experiences with them any more, and reminiscing gets old in 5 minutes.
I think it's good you're not upset about it. I spent energy being upset about it and I've learned that it's just how life is. We drift in and out of each others lives. If we're lucky we'll pick up a few keepers on the way but it's absurd to think we could stay in touch with all of them.
I think you'll also find that many of your old Geneva friends, with whom you don't stay in touch, are still your friends in heart and spirit. If you were ever around them again you could easily rekindle things. You can take some solace in knowing that if you ever needed them, they'd be there for you. I'd like to imagine that if I ever go on a cross-country road trip that I'd have a ton of places to stay along the way, even if I didn't really keep in touch at all.
I think part of the trick is not replacing the fondness you had for them with a mistrust or awkwardness that comes from expecting them to have done better about keeping in touch, or thinking they were expecting you to do better. All your thoughts of them should be sprinkled with grace and understanding.
I also like what you said about you can't live a double life. You must THRIVE in Korea, spending more energy there than on the interwebs throwing one sentence kudoses onto peoples' facebooks. I have to spend most of my time studying, and when I'm not studying I need to foster relationships with the people that are now in my life day-to-day. No one will fault you for that and it's the best way to do it!
Just remember that keeping in touch can be as simple as a heartfelt comment from time to time. I was elated that you facebooked me about the film ratings ;-). Doing things like that is low maintenance and it keeps the interval of time between communications small enough that the relationship doesn't dissipate.
I'm sorry I'm so bad about reading this blog. I do think about you. I'm really bad about clicking on people's individual blogs - it's so much easier when everyone is in the same place (say, xanga for instance - which has become the newly-weds/housewife network). I'm glad that God led me to this post tonight.
You'd better be having an AWESOME time in Korea. I still want to plan a get-together with you and Jeff sometime this summer, if you're back. When will you be back, by the way?
Oh, and I should mention that I was in NYC the other day with Intermed (Christian fellowships from medical schools in NY and NJ) and we went to K-town, where we dined in a Korean restaurant. I took off my shoes and sat crosslegged at a table that while standing wouldn't have reached my knees. I at Be-Bim-Bap (or something like that). It was... quite possibly the most delicious thing I had eaten in the last 6 months. It was a great experience!
well said bird.
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