By grace, not just passion

For the past 3 weeks now I've been battling sickness and fatigue. This happens to me once or twice a year, I go through seasons of poor health. Some are longer lasting than others. But so far they have been quite regular and expected. The hardest thing for me is how to deal with them. Physically, I get through these seasons without too many problems. Yes, I often feel tired, get headaches, or get the common cold, but that's just part of life, and we all come down with things here and there. So physically, it's not so much the issue. It's more of a spiritual battle that I face with these illnesses.

I live much of my life fueled by passion. If I'm passionate about something, that's what I devote myself to. And devote all of myself to that thing. I can trace it back in my life to many different areas of speciality. Whether it was film-making, film-watching, collecting various things, hobbies, whatever it was, I have a very easy tendency to become one-track minded, and focus much of my energy on that thing. In Korea, thankfully, God pointed that tendency towards the truth of God's word. And thus I became very content just to read the Bible, listen to sermons, and study theology. And I became so passionate about it that I decided that this is where God was leading me career wise. And I still believe that is where God is leading me.

But unfortunately, while passion does produce massive amounts of energy, will, and motivation, passion can also die out, and when it does, there is very little left to fuel you. I've known this danger for a while, and I've tried to keep a close watch on it. I do believe that passion is a good thing, and one of God's tools that he gives us in order to glorify Him. I believe the Bible calls us to live with passion and worship with passion. If we're not passionate for God's glory, there's something wrong in our hearts. But what happens when the passion does fade. And then I started to think about my sickness.

Like many people, when a person becomes sick, they become very inwardly focused and also perhaps very simplistic. My passion for the bigger, greater things in life tends to diminish when I want to do is...nothing...but rest and feel better. This unsettling to me, as a man driven by passion. And in my times of sickness and diminishment, I need to pray to God that he will restore my passion for the truth of his word and the declaration of it.

But I wonder, am I really relying on God to keep me going in service for His kingdom, or am I relying on my own passion to finish out the race? This is a difficult question for me that I think doesn't have a clean-cut answer. I do believe passion alone will eventually fail you. The sheer routine of life, the set-backs, the disappointments will wear down the passion of any man or woman, no matter how strong they may feel it is. So passion alone will not cut it. But at the same time, to abandon passion for a dull, play it by the books, hollow, stick it out service mentality sounds worse in some ways to me. At least with passion, you feel like you'll make it at least some distance, but to abandon passion sounds like you're dead already.

So what do I do right now? My body, my flesh, is at odds against me. It's not helping me to live passionately for Jesus. My body is crying out for comfort and a lifestyle that requires little passion to carry on. What do I do?

I don't abandon passion, but I also don't rely on it either. I think that's the key. If you rely only on passion, you'll give up whatever you do at the first sign of difficulty, because you have no conviction, no foundation. But if you abandon passion, the whole purpose of what you're doing has been lost.

So if I desire passion, but can't rely on it, then I must rely on the giver of my passion. And that points me back to Jesus. If you can honestly say that you have a holy ambition, or a holy passion, then it is right to believe that you have been given that passion from God. And thus, he is the source we look to when we need a regeneration of that passion. The problem with my original outlook on my own weaknesses, physically particularly, is my propencity towards believing that anything good comes from me. If my passion fades when I get sick, I tend to believe that I am the one who produces the passion. And perhaps some of that is true, but that's not the kind of passion I want or need. I need a passion that doesn't fade in times of trouble. A conviction that doesn't leave me in my weak moments. And that can only come from God's wealth of grace.

The truth is, no one is 100% on fire for Jesus all the time. And we all have seasons of doubt and discouragement. But I think what I've learned is those seasons are great opportunities that God gives us in order for us to re-evaluate where our strength is coming from. Perhaps, we're relying way too much on ourselves, and God takes us out of the equation for a while in order for us to realize that it's not by our own will power and passion that we press on, but it's by his grace alone which produces an everlasting passion in us that will withstand much more than any kind of passion we muster up on our own strength.

And thus, I've been reminded yet again, that I am weak. But when I am weak, he is strong, and in my weakness, his power is made perfect. I have been reminded that through out the Bible, time and time again, God uses weak people to accomplish his deeds to show that it is not by our own strength that we succeed, but by His sufficient grace in our lives.

I would say I am on the tail end of my sickness now, and I hope and pray this will mark the beginning of a season of health and fruitfulness in my life. But often in life, as fish you can't see the water you swim in, and at times, it was hard to see the passion I know I should have for the bigger things of God and of Christ. And I pray that I will recieve my passion from Christ alone, so that next time I fall into one of my episodic illnesses, I will maintain my passion better even as my body fails me.

To Christ be the glory and honor forever!